A few people in my life are experiencing the pain, frustration and fear that comes with something very negative and life threatening. I have been there - a few times. And yet - for some reason I was graced with a second chance - maybe even a third. Today two songs back-to-back reminded me - that I should live each and every day as if it were my last. And without any warning a feeling so strong, large and long – with power and depth as dark as the ocean, raced from my feet – to my throat and then to my eyes. It just burst out – gushed and ran all over my being – into my car – running alongside the steering wheel and dripping tens tears at a time onto the floor – ironically landing at the left of the break pedal.
Isn’t easy to second-guess every move – once it has been made? Isn’t it easy to “know” what others should do? It aches – the mere thought that while one friend is facing her crisis with an extraordinary spirit and fight, the other seems resigned to slip through each day as if soon enough it will be better…. As if time will heal the wounds and remove the fear – and it will just be. And it aches that I know these feelings of frustration for her are so judgmental and unfair. Yes – I am human. From where I stand I want to shake her – I want to scream that “you have been given another day – and other week and that is a gift and do not waste another day – floating!” And then the tears come again – knowing it is not my place to direct her strength. That just like each person’s definition of success is personal and reflective of something no one else can create, so is someone’s style of healing.
I was recounting all the incidents – home invasions – at least three, life-threats – from at least 3 people – one when I was 6, another man when I was 16 – my abductor - and then finally the mate I spent more than 5 years with…. I swam through the darkness of an abusive relationship and into the false light of another one. And like a lightening flash – after the distress, self-loathing for once again falling prey to a manipulative man, and sadness subsided, I was energized by the flash back to when I was 16 and had a gun at my head – he released me. He said I would become something So he could nt kill me - as he thouht first he would. And to stay where I was – floating- from one twisted relationship to another – one unfulfilling career to one “just a bit better” – was not my duty. No – I was given AMAZING chances to live – to do more than live – to love and to give. And I could not waste it.
Ok – so let’s get real now. The lightening bolt of intellect was more like a slow leak into my soul. It really took a few years for me to "get it." But when I did – watch out – I was on a mission to tell anyone who would listen that LIFE IS SHORT. The tears have stopped. Catharsis over and I am once again the understanding, patient person. She will also “get it” when she is ready. And it is her right to either float or flee or stand in the face of the violence to make her mark the way she is meant to… Each life has a beauty and meaning and shimmer of its own. And I will support her in finding her own way.
And with this knowledge I slide into the safety net of knowing that I am one of the lucky ones and I will not, cannot forget it.
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Jessi LaCosta is a Brand Strategist and Coach living and working in San Diego, CA.
All rights reserved. 2009 Copyright Jessi LaCosta
